Wednesday, June 3, 2009

American Idle

This is our first guest Blog written by Uncle Bear!

We hope you enjoy the change of voice for a week. Ladies and Gentlemen....Uncle Bear....


It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I have always had a major hate-on for "reality television" (as delicious an oxymoron as "jumbo shrimp" or "progressive conservative"). These sentiments have been shared before, but investing any of your own time into the scripted lives of "real people" on TV has to be the ultimate sign that your life needs more. More of what? I couldn't say for sure, but I'm quite certain the millionaire producers of The Bachelorette, Survivor, The Hills, or Jon & Kate, etc. aren't providing it.

To begin with, the idea that anything that happens in front of a film crew can be considered "reality" is laughable at best. Have you and your friends/family ever been clowning around at a party when your boozie buddy/uncle shows up with the camera rolling? Oh yeah....those are some of the most natural moments you'll ever experience (is there a button on this keyboard for dripping sarcasm?).

You can't ignore the third wall when watching anything on TV...ANYTHING. Somewhere between what happens in front of the lens and what's shown on the screen your living room is a carefully orchestrated process of scripting, directing, lighting, and most importantly....EDITING. Never forget that you only ever see what "they" decide you will see. That is a far cry from reality.

But enough of that. To talk about the evils of reality TV (or television in general, for that matter) would be more of a thesis than a simple web log. And who has time for that much reading anyway? "Good god man...don't you know So You Think You Can Dance is on tonight!?"

This particular diatribe is of a more specific nature. That's right music fans(?)...it's time to put an end to the most socially-harmful bullshit television show of them all...American Idol (originally titled "American Idol: The Search For A Superstar).

Allow me to beat some of you to the punch here...my hatred of this show does not come from a place of envy. It is not the kind of hate an old, washed-up fat dude feels when he watches tanned, ripped twentysomethings tossing a football around on the beach (although I do have that kind of hate in my heart as well...). As a matter a fact, it's the kids in the competition I feel for the most. These wide-eyed dreamers are being set up for failure whether they win or lose because the fact remains that Americans (yes, us included) have the combined attention span of a pack of rhesus monkeys at the best of times.

Webster's Dictionary defines the word Idol as "a representation or symbol of an object of worship", "an object of extreme devotion", or (and this is the most interesting) "a false conception (fallacy)". It seems redundant to walk you good folks through the irony in this, but here goes nothing...

One could assume that the initial premise of the show was to search the dark corners of America to find the next big star...those undiscovered "diamonds-in-the-rough", so to speak. Yet, with the exception of Kelly Clarkson, not a single winner (or top five for that matter) has enjoyed anywhere near the success one would associate with that of an "Idol". Sure, William Hung made a few bucks, but at the expense of any and all self-respect (not to presume he had any to begin with, but the almighty dollar can do wonderfully hideous things to people). Carrie Underwood enjoyed some success on the country circuit, but the country music charts are a far cry from the pop charts (just ask Jessica Simpson and Darius Rucker, who both turned to cowboy boots and pick-up trucks to resurrect their careers. I guess my point is you hardly have to be Johnny Cash or Hank Williams to make it in country music anymore. A pretty face and some cliché lyrics seem to be enough).

I would argue that Clarkson (although legitimately talented...those pipes are for real) garnered the most success due to the fact that she was the first winner, and the novelty of the show was much stronger. But now the American public is on to them. The announcement of each season's winner seems to be followed more by a sense of "okay, who's next?” as opposed to any actual interest in our newly appointed superstar. Album sales are almost non-existent after the first couple of months following the conclusion of the show, and any money that does come in must first pass through the greed-filter of executives, producers, agents and promoters.

The actual profit these artists see is barely pennies per record. Seems a cruel fate for a so-called "Idol". Just ask David Cook, David Archuletta, Jordin Sparks, Blake Lewis, Ace Young, Kellie Pickler, Chris Daughtry, Katherine McPhee, Taylor Hicks, Constantine Maroulis, Bo Bice, Diana DeGarmo, Fantasia Barrino, Clay Aiken, Ruben Studdard or Justin Guarini how lucrative their careers have been, post Idol. I'm sure you can find most of them delivering pizzas or finishing their third rehab stints somewhere warm and sunny. The remaining optimists should be appearing on a street corner near you any day now. A star's gotta work, right? Cocaine is not cheap, kids!

Speaking of which...did anyone hear that J.D. Fortune (winner of the show "Rock Star INXS") was living in his car as recently as February? Did you know that Ryan Malcolm (winner, first season Canadian Idol) was the opening act for two Toronto indie bands at The Reverb last winter? True story. Is this what becomes of our Idols? I sure hope not.

So what is the answer? Personally, I'm sick and tired of being told who my heroes are. The day I let Paula Abdul choose my favourite music for me would be the same day I hire Tara Reid as my life coach.

Far be it from me to tell anyone how to spend their time, but instead of investing any part or yourselves into these poor puppets, who will be yesterday's news by tomorrow, may I suggest taking some of your "Idol" time on Wednesday and Thursday, and try searching the interwebs for music that YOU like. Maybe it will be James Morrison, Jamie Lydell, Ray Lamontagne, Ryan Adams, The Jayhawks, Ocean Colour Scene, Feist, Paulo Nutini, The Magic Numbers or The Decemberists...just a handful of great musicians who are unknown in many circles, but whose music is real and heartfelt and amazing...to me.

This-of course-is only my opinion. Who knows...maybe they won't "do it" for you, but here's to hoping that in searching, you find someone that YOU love. That's what makes music incomparable....it is still the greatest common ground we share with each other across the globe, yet it means something different to each of us. That's because we discover it in our own way, on our own time. You love music because it speaks to you, not because it's forced down your throat like a prison blow job (okay...that was a bit offside, but it's MY blog!).

Until next time....see you from inside this here suitcase!

See you next week Top of the Food Chain!

- Life is complicated and far from perfect, but it is still great

4 comments:

  1. Nice post Uncie Bear! You're completely right that these 'idols' really don't end up being international superstars. And let's not forget how much control the show has just by what the judges say, or how much screen time they give someone, etc? Fox brainwashes little girls into who they want the winner to be. That's why votefortheworst.com is kind of retributive to me.

    But just think, Idol is one of the more "real" reality shows out there...unless you want to be Paris Hilton or Brody Jenner's best friend that bad. And don't forget how much booze they provide people in the other 'reality shows' to basically force the contestants to do things that are ratings-worthy. Sex sells baby!

    Great finish with your comments on music. It really is amazing how it can make one feel (good or bad, happy or sad), and how fluid the changes in one's taste may be. John Mayer is really speaking me these days, but who knows who will be next? Kind of cool to know that someone will come along...

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  2. Just FYI, Forbes Magazine CONSERVATIVELY estimated that David Cook made 2 million last year, and that David Archuletta made around 1.3 million - hardly chump change. Clay Aiken, Jordin Sparks and Kellie Pickler all made well over 1 million as well. You must have a REALLY good job to discount such success. I believe Carrie Underwood made over 14 million - so Country has been very good to her.

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  3. you're right Quin...making 7 figures is no chump change (nice research by the way), but any one-hit wonder can turn a profit. it's not that these kids achieve zero success, but hardly the lasting fame and fortune that the show's premise would imply. as to Carrie Underwood...yes she's made alot of money but I just feel that (new) country is such a specific genre with a specific fan-base, that her career as a whole will garner less respect from the average music fan/critic, regardless of the payday.

    I guess it's the combination of financial & critical success AND staying power that I find lacking. it's one thing to make some money in the music biz, but quite another to actually have a career. seems bitter-sweet to make over a million one year and be struggling again in five years, which is surely the fate of most ex-Idols.

    for nine season they've searched the entire country for the "next big thing"...I guess I'm just wondering if this is they best they can do.

    thanks for the comments....cheers.

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