Patio Friends

Barrie had one of the easiest winters in memory. Of course that is a bit like saying John Holmes was gentle in bed. Feel free to Google John Holmes if you were born after 1980.

Let me put it another way. The last time you laid by a pool and had to dive in because you were too hot was sometime in late August. That was almost 8 months ago! Use your fingers and count it out by all means.

Of course we are still months away from that actual moment. Sure we silly Canadians hold out hope for May 2-4 weekend to be our savior but the last half dozen or so have been miserable dreck.

It barely seems possible to think our Vitamin D deprived bodies could tolerate such a sabbatical from the true warmth of an actual sun. The one week at an all-inclusive is fine but not the soul sustaining nourishment we sun worshipers need.

What is the answer for us to maintain a semblance of a society that doesn’t fall into cannibalism simply for entertainment?

Patios.

Yes patios are the lifeblood of Barrie.

Great friends. Cold beer. Lakeview. Need I say more?

That brings me to SKYBANK. The boys and I start dreaming about re-opening the patio sometime in January and bring it up like Jewish Mothers mentioning their sons becoming Doctors.

The word SKYBANK alone puts a smile on all of our faces even when the winter winds are pounding and the sun rises about at high as Hugh Hefner sans Viagra.

We were fortunate enough to win Barrie’s Best Patio and Nightclub in a local rags poll. This is probably because most patios are pressure treated nightmare boxes and the other Nightclub is owned by a man in his 90’s I believe. Either way we’ll accept the accolade with pride.

You know the first time I talked with Sparty (Jim Garland) about buying the old TD Bank for our new club, a crazed mesmerized look came over his face. *see Homer Simpson and doughnuts. And he said “Imagine a roof top patio!”

I’m not a religious man but I do believe that was a religious experience. It’s one of those moments when your eyes widen as if making them bigger will help cram as much of this wonderful idea in your head as possible.

From that moment on we planned everything at The Bank with that goal in mind. No matter what it cost. No matter the obstacles. We were going to build the best goddamned patio we bloody well could.

Some people have made an interesting issue that we have six partners in The Bank. They say things like “Did you know there are like 20 partners?” I always found this vexing and quite missing the point. We are all the best of friends and I must tell you it is wonderful experience to share something as fulfilling as this has been with them.

I picture other bar owners as these Dickensian characters who slave over the young talented people running their business as they rub their hands menacingly together. “Here is one piece of coal for you but the rest is Mine! Mine! Mine! Now bring me all the young ones so I can feed.”

Ok I’m sure that isn’t true. Nobody uses coal anymore.

Recently my little brother Beacher (Joe Bubel) quit his job in Manhattan. So we did the natural thing and brought him into The Bank as a partner. It means we now have another great friend to enjoy that one little word….SKYBANK.

Again patios are about great friends. Cold Beer. Lakeviews.

It’s like that Robert Frost poem. Two roads diverged in a Yellow Wood so we took the one less travelled by and brought our friends. And that has made all the difference.

Thank you so much for joining us on our journey.

Bring on the sun and the patio people!

Canadian Dreaming

The average price of a Canadian home is now $330,000 and that is almost incomprehensible to me, especially when the average Canadian makes $40,000 before taxes.

Historically we used to buy homes that were 3 times our gross income. Not anymore. Instead we have a relatively new phenomenon…household income.

The days of the stay at home mother are impossible for the vast majority so you now have 2 full-time workers that manage to push the average household income to $70,000 in our gingerbread house economy.

Let’s play the game shall we? It’s called an Average Canadian Household Budget.

Gross income: $70,000 Average Family (2 adults and 2 kids)

Taxes: ($10,000) - Healthcare isn’t free anywhere. Neither are Schools,Cops, Firemen, paved roads, garbage collection. ..

Car: ($9000) –Insurance, repairs and gas (as long as you don’t commute) included but you only get 1 Honda for the both of you.

Food: ($11000) -That is $7.50 per head per day! Steak is like a UFO on this plan…only specious claims of seeing one have been made.

Clothes: ($2500) – No power suits or catwalks here. Actually not even a Sears catalogue “look-away” pose.

Vacation : ($2500) – Come on…you have to give us at least 1 week away at a crummy all inclusive. Our weather sucks. Kids stay behind L

Savings: ($5000) – You are never going to be able to afford anything without savings. Also retirement needs to factor in and don't forget a rainy day back up fund (1 in 13 Unemployed Canadians know this). 40 years ago we used to save 10% but now 7% would be a John Lennon anthem.

Xmas/Birthdays: ($1000) –Peoples is your jeweler and you might go once every 5 years.

Entertainment: ($5000) - A dinner and a movie the odd time with a glass of wine and some wings and beer for the game. Aren’t we at the very least adults?!

Hair Salons and Tanning: ($1000) -It’s SuperCuts and pasty for us!

Electronics: ($1000) – This is a desktop every 5 years with the odd iPod and 32” TV. Not blazing a tech trail with this kind of money.

Gym Membership ($0) –Sit ups and push ups are more in our price range.

Cell Phone: ($1000) –You’ll each need one and no LD calls or Cadillac plans. Oh and never one for the kids….hollering will suffice.

Cable/Internet: ($1200) – Your life is basic cable.

Make Up, Sports Equipment, Concerts, Golfing, Weekend Trips, Shoes (this is for you ladies), Bedding, Small Appliances (irons, toasters, hair dryers, etc.), luggage, car wash, car seats, and the list goes on and on and on : ($2500) – I’m almost ashamed to put this number so low. A lot of hand-me-downs on this budget as name brands are for the rich.

Pets: ($1000) –Let us hope there are no serious Vet bills or else Rover won’t make it.

2 Children: ($3000) –This is a tough number to nail down admittedly and can swing violently up if you want them to go to University. Oh and forget daycare. Grandma better live close by and be available 50 hours a week.

Whew!

Ok now how much do we have left for a little thing called Shelter?

$525.00 per month.

You also have to still pay for heat, hydro, repairs, maintenance, lawn mowers, furniture, appliances, insurance, etc. etc. etc.

The average property tax for a home in Barrie is now $300 per month alone!

The conclusion?

The average Canadian can’t even subsist. Instead they have $0 savings (Imagine that John Lennon) and use that money to merely approach the lifestyle I envision the average family to have.

Next time someone tells you families nowadays have it too good…smack them.

Next time a politician tells you a tax increase is “no big deal” because it only works out to $1.50 per day (“ the price of a cup of coffee” one famously said) try and wake them up. Christ! In this scenario it’s 20% of what we are spending to feed a person!

If the average household somehow managed to cut expenses drastically enough to own a home and not go in debt that would be miraculous. If they could further cut expenses to realize the herculean task of actual savings (say 3%) then your “coffee” tax erases a third of that effort! I guess "Live like shit and work till you die" is the motto you are assigning the masses.

Here is another number. The average Canadian Male in 1968 (taking in taxation and inflation) made DOUBLE what the average Canadian Male makes today!

The average Canadian today is not greedy. Not careless. Not lazy. They are overworked and underpaid with no light at the end of the tunnel.

I need a drink! Oh and we need some real leaders because this shit…is not going to fix itself.

Fabulous Denial

Priests were routinely allowed to marry up until the 12^th Century. There are of course conflicting views as to why a new doctrine of celibacy arose. Some say it was to ensure the Priests were “married” to the church and his flock. I say “his” because women cannot rise to priesthood. While others contend that it is beneficial for the Church to have disciples with no family to bequeath and dissipate wealth to.

Both are compelling arguments.

Now what sort of man would commit himself to a life of celibacy? Take a moment and think of those around you. I, for example, have some “devout” acquaintances but none that could accept such a Tenet for life.

Human nature and the sexual urge through many many millenniums of evolution would be a very hard instinct to suppress indeed. Being exceptionally devout, may not be enough motivation.

Let us also look at the genetic predisposition known as homosexuality. Homosexuality co-exists in the animal kingdom alongside heterosexuality and it is pervasive and natural. Given that understanding there will be devout homosexuals.

Here is the tricky part. The Pope and Roman Catholic Church believe they must “save” homosexuals from their “sins”. Perhaps you have already guessed where I am going.

A devout homosexual has no interest in women sexually. Therefore not marrying a woman is no great sacrifice. Furthermore their “urges” are believed “sinful” and should be repressed. So the church offers them the added bonus of both a refuge and the discipline to help overcome the “affliction”.

So there you have it. It seems debatable to me that homosexuals would have a greater propensity to become a priest than heterosexuals.

If this is true can I issue a statement to the hierarchy of The Roman Catholic Church.

“Please stop the self loathing”.

Time to embrace your inner diva and be proud!

The ones you persecute are yourselves and it is such a hateful waste.

Look at all the wonderful things you do when you fellas get together. The long flowing beautiful robes, the great hats, the candelabras everywhere (you guys must really love candles), the singing (you love soprano even more than the candles), the smoke being waved about, the stain glass and the gorgeous cathedrals. Jesus you guys know how to throw a pageant….oops service... I mean service.

So let’s turn the page shall we and get out of the ignorance of the Middle Ages Benedict baby. You, your Cardinals and your Bishops…are Here. Arguably Queer. And we are all fine with it.

Time for you to be.